I cancelled my WW (Weight Watchers) membership. Again. For the 5th time last Tuesday, slid my scale under the bathroom sink and went for a walk.
Tuesday, I hit my wall. Tired. I am so tired of thinking about food and my body. I am tired of constantly living in a “I can’t win” or “I shouldn’t have eaten that” cycle. On my walk, I consider what I want. My fitness, nutrition, and mindset coach asked me this last May on our first phone call and I remember holding back what I really wanted to say: I want to lose this weight I’ve gained, but I can’t seem to get there. I have in the past been successful, but cannot seem to find that success no matter how hard I try. Instead I said I don’t want to get diabetes (which was a partial truth), I don’t want my knees to hurt (also partial truth). Bottom line I called her that day because I wanted to be skinny again.
Without knowing my full truth, she supported me and taught me how to reduce inflammation in my body and how to eat for health, but still enjoy food and allow for treats. I lost 5 pounds and was on my way. Until. I wasn’t and the 5 pounds had made their way back on and I was left feeling like a failure again in December. So. In February, I rejoined WW with a new mindset. I will be committed to tracking, I will exercise, I will, I will, I will. Each week I weighed myself: lost a pound, gained a pound, lost two, gained half, a see-saw of frustration.
In the meantime, the world declared a pandemic, my job flipped over, and I was working from home and at home 24 hours nonstop. So I started cooking, really doing what I love, finding myself again. I started exercising, really moving in ways that make my heart sing: dance and run and walk and lift. My mood lifted and on Tuesday, I stood in front of the mirror in my bra and underwear and looked at myself. A question rang. Can I do this without all the programs that I am constantly bombarded by?
My pal once said to me, during a spiral of self body shaming, you are trying to be healthy and that is enough girl. I remember thinking: is it? Am I committed? Do I have the “willpower”?
I cancelled my membership to WW last Tuesday; freed myself of the scale and the points and the zero points food because I am tired of thinking about what foods I should be eating and comparing and analyzing what foods others in my community are eating and wondering if they are skinny because of X, Y, and Z which are all a secret that I can’t seem to unlock.
In the end, losing weight is one part of this and when I seek support, I am hyper focused on this idea of being 20 pounds lighter again. But what working with a coach last summer did for me is change my mindset. I lost my way a bit this past winter by allowing my mind to wander back to that singular focus of being skinny, but the truth is healthy and moving towards something is enough. I workout every day. I am working on my emotional eating habits. I know anti-inflammatory foods and weight loss foods and choose the former more than the latter.
In the end what is the key to weight loss and body love, body positivity? Seeing my body for what it is today in the present tense, not 4 years ago when I was on sabbatical and not a department coordinator or teaching during a pandemic. Allowing my mind to rest and focus on what I am doing rather than what I am not doing enough of. Choosing to be grateful regularly. Lastly, helping others.
Here’s the thing, I am beautiful at any weight, but what I want is a calm mind that lets me be me without all the rules that society has told me that I have to follow as a woman: be small, be perfect, be motherly, do it all, but with a smile on your face.
I do not know if I will lose the weight, but I do know I do not want to think about it obsessively anymore. So I cancelled my WW membership last Tuesday in exchange for a calm mind.
