It’s an 80 degree May day, I am sitting in front of twelve students, my advisees. Six eighth grade girls; six eighth grade boys. My twelfth year coming to an end and I have had this conversation hundreds of times with classes, individual girls; as fighting matches with my female students in the hallway, as whispers between classes with girls. I’ve told them, quietly and loudly. I’ve done it in eloquent and logical ways and short and irritated ways. I’ve even made a student or two cry over this. I’m not proud of it, but I’ll own it.
As a young teacher, it was extremely black and white. You wear whatever the school “deemed” appropriate or I was having a word with you. Then, one day a fellow teacher said to me: “you know what S., you got it why not flaunt it.” I stopped in my tracks. Didn’t I flaunt it? Didn’t I want my students to have confidence and learn to dress in ways that were unapologetic? I mean I love styling my outfits, love it! It is an art; a way to express my artist self. So, how can my female students do the same and learn what works on their bodies without trying on various styles? And more than that, who decided what is “decent” and what is “indecent”?
The argument that administrators and teachers alike have used, (one I used many times with students): school is like work, you wouldn’t expect me to show up in a bikini would you? A most popular way to restrict students, correction, girls to conform. Now, they are right, I wouldn’t show up in a bikini to work, but only because there isn’t a pool there. I love my body and have worn crop tops over camisoles to work. I have worn tight dresses, shirts that show my breasts a little, and short skirts that push the limits and dresses that have a halter style top as well. How does what I wear affect my job? Well what I wear has little to do with my ability to connect with my students and yet, I do cover all the major body parts “appropriately”.
Another statement that admin and teachers have used in defense of appropriate dress has been, “this is not only for girls, it’s for boys too, they shouldn’t wear “muscle” shirts or saggy pants, etc.” But I’m going to ask you, how often have you actually spoken to a male student about his dress violation in comparison to your female students?
So I began to do a little bit of research about how this came about. I instantly found a Marie Claire UK article that outlined how women’s dress has been and still is ruled by men. How much of what I wear is ruled even still by men? How much of what is advertised to my students is ruled by patriarchy? More than that, how can my female students feel empowered about their expression of style in the summer months?
With all this at the forefront of my mind, I sat on my black stool and began the conversation, knowing we wouldn’t resolve it today, but hopefully we would begin a conversation that would make them think before they dressed with the question: who am I dressing for?
While my girls fought, as I knew they would, for their right to continue wearing short shorts and crop tops and tube tops, the boys stated how unrealistic it was for a girl to expect them not to look when a body part was presented in front of them. I mean even my own husband at one point replied to me, when I was complaining about booty shorts, with: “It’s the best part of summer”. While, N may have been only half joking at the time, trying to get a rise out me, there is some truth to this.
Just as my dominant male student who had cut off so many of my female students hundreds of times over the year finished his long winded thought, the bell rang and I said: “we are going to pick this back up tomorrow.” I said it with much confidence like I knew exactly where I would take this conversation, but on the inside I was unsure how and what to bring to the next conversation.
But, maybe, instead of bringing definitely answers, it would be better for me to look at my truths:
- As much as I, we, you don’t want to admit it, this is about girls more than boys. It is about girls, our girls, our future.
- Our girls are young and still learning what beauty is from social media, magazines, Youtube.
- I want our girls to know that they are beautiful and can wear whatever the fuck they want without being heckled or told they are a slut or stared down because a boy, or man cannot control himself.
- Yes this is about our girls, but how are we training, speaking to our boys. They need lessons in how to see the girls, women in their life.
- While yes we have different rules about different occasions in terms of dress, it is still a person’s choice as to what she wears on any occasion!
Now if I speak to my female students about their dress, it is not about how others see them or how they should dress for an occasion, but instead I talk to them about comfort. If you are walking around covering your midsection with your arm because you have a crop top on, then maybe don’t wear it. If you keep pulling your shorts down because you are aware the bottom of your butt-cheek is showing, then again don’t wear it. I don’t say don’t wear because it not appropriate or because boys will stare, instead it is about wearing the things you are comfortable in and confident in. Still as I write this, an argument lingers in my mind: but S. the only way you’ve gotten confident in a bikini, in a crop top, in short shorts is by wearing these items out and about and realizing nothing happened, except you felt damn good in them.
It took practice.
I could probably write a novel on this topic. I mean I was suspended for wearing short shorts and went home and cried feeling wrongly judged as a person. My father didn’t believe I should ever wear shorts. My male cousin once lectured me about wearing pants because it is not the godly way. So maybe I’m biased, but at the same time, am I? How many females have similar stories of being whistled at and having a complicated, pissed off but a little excited feeling on the inside because someone noticed their beauty?
