Un – prefix
Become – verb
ing – suffix

When did you find out that you were not worthy of love and acceptance? I was 5 years old. Before I understood that cartoons were not totally real, before I realized that my dolls were not actually my friends, and before I learned that the worlds I created in my mind did not exist anywhere else. I knew it. I couldn’t say it, I didn’t have the words for it, but I knew it. I was not enough. I was not worthy of love, I was not worthy of compassion, I was not worthy of understanding, and I certainly was not worthy of being accepted as I was.

So, I became what everyone wanted me to be.

You are to be pretty and smart, but not too smart
You are to be pleasant and polite, speak softly and sweet
You are to be personable and easy, don’t let others feel uncomfortable around you
You are to be perfect and happy, acceptable to all

To be otherwise is unbecoming.

As I learned to become, I feared “unbecoming,” so I listened, I learned, I obeyed, and I understood. What to be and what not to be. As a little girl, I learned to be what everybody wanted me to be. What I wanted mattered less.

They told me to be pretty, so I cared too much about how to look pretty for others
They told me to be smart, but not too smart, so I read books but didn’t speak my mind
They told me to be pleasant, so I smiled and smiled, even when I didn’t want to smile
They told me to be polite, so I followed all the rules, even the ones that were against me
They told me to be personable, so I allowed many people, especially boys and men, to treat me disrespectfully
They told me to be easy, so every single boundary I had was crossed.

“Unbecoming” is a state of movement and change; the implication of the word, and its definition, are that change and evolution are happening. A constant movement, a continuous growth, a new iteration. Little girls grow up, they start ‘unbecoming,’ and something begins to happen. Frustration, irritation, anger, and even rage seep in, and they never told me what to do with these feelings. Desire for happiness and worthiness become stronger, and they never told me that it would become more important than acceptance.

So, only after chasing acceptance from others year after year with desperation, turmoil, disappointment, and failure, always failure, did I realize that I will never be, and I will never become what they want me to be. Only now, as a fully grown woman, having “unbecome,” do I understand that I can only be what I am.

Un
Become
ing
has set me free.