I am not that mom. I am not a stay at home mom. I am not. That is not me. That will never be me. I am a teacher. I am a working mom. I can balance it. 

 

“Mom, SNACK!”

 

I am not…

 

“MOM, I WANT BLUEBERRIES!!”

 

That is not me. She is not talking to me. 

 

When people ask me if I’m working or a stay at home mom, I have to say the whole script I’ve rehearsed, “well, I was working as a middle school theatre teacher at a private school in DC, but balancing teaching and directing shows while also being with Lila was just too hard so I decided to quit, and thank god I did because right after, the pandemic happened, and it would have been impossible to balance taking care of her full time with both her dad and I working. Then we had Ravi so I’ll probably stay at home for a little while before figuring out what’s next for me. I definitely want something part-time…”  Out of breath and uncertain myself, I look into  glassy-eyes. They didn’t know what they were getting into when they decided to engage in “small” talk with this bespectacled mom.

 

“Mom!!”

 

Me. The hairs on my arm stand on end. I’m “mom.” My stomach lurches. I feel nauseous; I haven’t eaten enough today. 

 

I race out of my chair, “Can you use different words, please?”

 

“Mom, can I please have blueberries?”

 

I take the container of blueberries out of the fridge. I rinse the blueberries. I put them in a bowl.

 

“MOM! Where are my blueberries??”

 

“Lila, can’t you see that I am getting them?” She can’t. She’s engrossed in her afternoon TV time. The sounds of “the lettteerrrrr of the daaayyy, day-ay-ay-ay” ring out loud. My head is a mush of perky voices, and sweet, jaunty jingles. 

 

I hand her the blueberries. She says thank you, and I sit down. 

 

“I work” is usually the Mom’s response to me asking, “What about you?” Hoping that they, too, will express a similar, angsty story. I haven’t met anyone with the same level of angst yet. I did once meet a mom who said that it was rare to find another stay at home mom in this area, referring to the DMV.  

 

It’s true that it is rare. 

 

I think that is what has made me feel like I need my script. I feel looked down upon, judged. I judge myself.  I have resisted so hard the idea of being a stay at home mom, but now I may as well put it as my email signature:

Emma Strauss,

Stay At Home Mom, 

Bedtime Team Leader, 

Schedule Coordinator.

 

A baby cries, and I check the monitor. Ravi’s awake. Lila sings along with the Cat in the Hat, “here we go, go, go, go, on an adventure…” she jumps off the couch, hurtling to the ground. 

 

I run to get Ravi. He sees me, and his smile blooms. That stops me. 

 

But. 

 

This is not me. I can’t give in. 

 

This is not what I thought I’d be. 

 

Motherhood, in general, was a shock to my system.  Children force you into being present. It’s a harsh fucking reality. That’s really what I could not and sometimes cannot fully accept. I can barely manage the relentless nature of my own existence, let alone that of a child’s – Want to curl up and read the internet and avoid reality? Too bad, Lila needs a snack, no, not those crackers, the other ones, never mind, cranberries. Feeling a headache coming on and want to take a little nap? Oh well, Ravi needs a diaper changed, and a bottle, and a diaper changed, and then food, and then—

 

I’ve always resisted being present, my attention was always pulled here and there. The inability to be present runs in the family. My mom used to say it in Yiddish: “Nisht ahin un nisht aher.” The way it sounds in Yiddish really gets to the smushy, amorphous feeling of being nowhere and everywhere. Because if I’m here, then I’ve committed to being here.  But, who knows, maybe there is so much better?! So I run there, and there isn’t bad, but it’s also not great, so I run back to here. It’s exhausting. For me, this has been motherhood for so long. The back and forth. My unwillingness to breathe into the stay-at-home-mom role. To be here. To say to the mom at the park, “I’m a stay at home mom.” And end the sentence there. Not, “I am a stay at home mom for now.”