I can still feel the sting on my bare arm from your slap
that July
for wearing a sleeveless shirt in your house
Girls don’t do that, women shouldn’t do that
I was embarrassed, frustrated, and yet wanted to conform
for you
Your approval was important,
I loved you, love you
___________________________________
And
At twenty, I didn’t know how to do both:
love you and stand up for myself
So I chose love, took my dupatta, covered my arms
______________________________________________________________________
I can still feel the sting in my heart from the news of your passing
this July
the memories that flooded my dreams for a month:
Your careless laughter, the way you yourself refused to conform within this family,
Living the life you wanted
the open, full heart of yours
the way you hugged me with both your arms, tight
And
your beliefs about the role, the place of a woman.
These two sides were rigid: love with all your heart; women must cover up, obey their husbands, brothers, fathers, you also believed.
I felt them both and conformed
For you
Out of love
But now that you’re gone
I crave, just one more conversation, one more fight
One more
Anything
to feel that love again.
