The Scholarship Program

Illustration by Sonia Chintha

Associate Director

“Why aren’t you on scholarship?”
“Scholarship?”
I’m not a student. What was he talking about?
“The house, the car, the whole package.
I could put you on scholarship.
All you have to do is be available.
You
know…”

I was
a twenty-six year old Associate Director of the dance company
meeting to pick up a check:
a business lunch.

He was

to give me a check
in exchange for my time;

and,

he

wanted  

more.

You see, donors have to be
entertained,
engaged,
motivated.
And sometimes                     
that thin, gray line is crossed.
I was the Associate Director,
And!
a performer.
a vulnerable young woman
exposed to a much older man’s
fantasies,
whims,
propositions.

Unprotected from his advances,
expected and encouraged to meet him

as needed.

His clammy hands and beady, watery eyes searched for mine
at every reception
always hoping for a dance with me.

I wasn’t angry or surprised,

it was ordinary.
I
was
numb
to him, his kind.
I used to believe it was all benign; I was just “doing my job”.  
I wasn’t even shocked.

Now,
I wonder
what the conversations between the Artistic Director and that donor went like?
Did the Artististic Director know?
Did he know the position he put me in:
for his own gain?

Fledgling Artistic Director

I had only met him twice, publicly, at performances.
After the second, he sent me an email stating his intention to make a large donation; he would be our “Season Sponsor”.
Full of optimism and gratitude, I met him:
to pick up the check,

and that’s when
he offered me                  
his terms:

to sponsor a season, to fuck me regularly
$25,000
to be his mistress–the head of a major university’s psychiatric department in Washington, D.C.

Dirty and ashamed, my mind rumbled:
How did I provoke him?
I am too flirtatious.
I somehow led him on.
I dress too sexy.
I should wear more conservative clothes.
I shouldn’t make such strong eye contact, it misleads men.
I hug too easily.
I should stop touching people.
I must have asked for it to happen.

Fledgling Artistic Director Cont’d

In 2010,
I encouraged
“Sponsor a Dancer” campaign.
Perpetuating
this
culture

“Dinner with a Dancer”
a reward for a high donation
An exchange for personal time.

Replicating the exact circumstances
That made me feel dirty and used
Like a filthy rag.

It’s blind luck that we chose Kickstarter to fundraise that year instead.

I      

could

kick                                         

myself for the near-miss.

Headline: New York City Ballet Terminates Male Dancers

Story: These dancers were caught sharing sexually explicit videos and photos of a female dancer, taken without her knowledge.

Evidence: The text messages between one of the terminated male dancers and a donor:

The lawsuit said a male donor wrote to Finlay suggesting that the men should tie ballerinas up “and abuse them like farm animals,” to which Finlay replied, “or like the sluts they are.”

Creator of Movement, Dialogue, Joy

Aware of my own complicity and the risks of perpetuating the patronage system
I still
don’t
have
a
solid
plan.

I yearn for female performing artists to forge a new path for ourselves.
Including fundraising plans free of implied “quid pro quos” and “tit for checks”.

Building a company with eyes wide open is my job.
Sharing my stories,
creating honest dialogue about how easily discriminatory systems are perpetuated,
and opening the space for others to share their ideas and experiences dances me into the next chapter of life with clarity and purpose.

I am a creator.

I generate
movement,
dialogue,
joy.