It happened a month ago, when I visited a new mom friend. I love visiting my friend’s babies when they are just born, it is a lovely, cuddly experience and in the past, I’d always imagined holding my own when I held theirs, had dreamt about how I would feel post birth holding my child. This time, however, I held this cutie boy who cuddled up instantly to my chest (before crying just as instantly when he realized it wasn’t his mama) and I had no longing. I loved O and knew I would do right by him, but didn’t have those visions of what would or could or should be. Here’s the thing about grief though, you may have moments where you feel completely free of it and find yourself the next day filled with it again. So I’ve learned to hold tight these short glimpses into what I know is my truth: I am a mother–obviously not in the traditional definition, but shit I take care of my bitches. I have been there for so many of my girl friends post birth and I love it.
Around a year ago, my husband told me after four years of infertility, he doesn’t want a baby anymore. He is happy with us as we are. After the shock of am I not good enough for him to want this and what will happen to us without children, and will I be a woman if I don’t ever experience pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, I let it sink in. We had been through a tough four years. Wasn’t it time to move on, let it go? So, I started thinking about what our life could be without children. Could we still be called a family? Shit we didn’t even have pets.
I used to freak-out and honestly, still do sometimes when I get flooded with family photos in my feed or family holiday cards. Are the two of us enough to make a holiday card valuable? Now, if I let myself, I can dive into a dark spiral of the same thoughts pulling me to the deep end: I’m not good enough, what will my family say, am I part of the community of women without children, are we making a mistake, being selfish, blah, blah, blah.
So I decided to compile a list. A list to prove my value mostly on those days when grief hits a little harder and I need proof that I am enough.
- I have a really good, privileged life. One that affords me many freedoms and opportunity. Although this is not the type of life I grew up having, it is now what I have and damn it is good.
- I am an aunt formally and informally to many nieces and nephews. Ones whom I love and am present in their lives. So this idea of “not experiencing that kind of love,” is not a good enough argument anymore. I love my nieces and nephews and would do anything for them and more than that am constantly guilty that I don’t spend enough time with them or arrange the right activities for them.
- I am a teacher. Similar to the above reason, teaching is growing a child in various skills, but also showing them a way of life that is better than the one that was shown to me. If that isn’t parenthood, than I don’t know what is. Also, during the school year, I see my students more than I see even my husband. So, this idea of “not being able to influence a child in life,” is not a good enough argument anymore.
- Last year alone I have been to New York, Asheville, Los Angeles, Cambridge, and Seattle.
- I have an advisory filled with crazy kiddies who have so much love to give me and others. As a bonus, they call me their school mother also known as “MamaCheez-it” (it’s a private joke which of course I love).
- I have started a zine, one I’d been thinking about for a long time and kept putting off because maybe I will be pregnant or maybe I don’t have enough credentials, or maybe…
- I am free. I can jaunt off if I want to or stay in bed until noon. It’s a type of freedom I do not take lightly.
- My house, furniture, and rooms are not childproof.
- I have a art studio in my house! An island filled with all my favorite things.
- I can devote my free time to bettering myself and the world by serving others as well as myself when needed.
- I get to show my nieces and nephews another type of story and ending for adult women. This is my most precious reason!
- I get to put the time and energy into working on a healthy marriage.
- Fuck all the other reasons. Let them go. Live your life now. Forget about expectations and should’s and must’s and do me. Be me, unabashedly, me. No doubts, no fears of how others see me, just me.
I guess in the end the reasons don’t really matter as much as seeing myself as whole in this moment. Will I do it every day? Probably not, but it’s about progress for now. For now I see I am okay with my friends’ children trumping our conversations or our travel plans. I am also okay with planning my life child-free. I am me and you are you and we are we in this world. Each bringing a vital story to the generations to follow.
It’s a privilege to tell my students when they inevitably ask me, “Ms. C, do you plan on having children?”
“No, actually, I will not have children and there is nothing wrong with that.”
